Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Off (and back on the) Track

I do this, I warn you.  I start things and then get distracted.  I could be walking along with a destination in mind.  I will see a shiny object.  And suddenly, I am diverted from my path for a time.  But I come back.  Usually.

Anyway, I started Marine Corps Marathon (MCM) training 2 weeks ago.  Week one was great - an easy 4 on the treadmill on Monday, a lazy 11 miles on Wedensday, and a nice 5 mile tempo on Saturday.  Week two was not so great; in fact, I had a very bad week.  Oh, mileage-wise, it was fine, but mentally, it was tough.

I have body image problems.  Some (my poor husband) may describe my skewed body perception as severe.  I don't see myself correctly.  Sometimes I see myself as fit, strong and sexy; other times I see myself as doughy, flabby and gross.  As someone who hangs between the border of fit and overweight (according to most BMI charts and doctor's opinions), I feel I almost deserve this image problem.  I'm 5'4.  I have muscle.  I weigh 146 pounds, which is overweight according to most charts.  I am currently 6-7 pounds up from 2011 and about 16 pounds away from where I want to be.  I weigh myself constantly.  I eat mostly healthfully, although I do have a penchant for wine and cheeseburgers. 

I am aware that I have this issue.  I have not sought counseling or treatment as I am stubborn and willful and it usually doesn't interfere with my day-to-day life.  Occasionally, something will happen that will knock me to a dark place and this happened on Thursday, 7/5.

I set out to do a nice, easy 13.  Less than a mile from my house, at the dark hour of 3:45 am, a car slowed and a woman shouted out of the passenger side, "Getting any skinner yet, you fat bitch?"  Shocked, I continued running.  About a quarter mile later, the same car slowed and the driver shouted, "Need a ride, honey?  Want a ride, Hmmmm?" 

I was fully freaking out.  First, by the woman/girl's comment.  I don't know a woman alive who does not have some issue with their appearance, so to shout such hurtful comments at someone who is running at an ungodly hour is unforgivable.  Second, the fact that these drunk/stoned people turned around to follow me.  I was bullied as a child/teenager and there are no limits to what some bullies will do or how far they will go to harm their targets.  My anxiety triggered some adrenaline and I finally had to stop at my dad's house and have him drive me home after only a 9 mile run.

I headed inside to the treadmill for the rest of my week's runs (overdid it.  Did 4 Friday, 6 Saturday, 5 Sunday, and a spin class on Monday).  I rested on Tuesday and then started week 3 today.

This morning, I had to fight myself to get out there again.  I was scheduled to do 15 and wanted to do 13 - the 13 I failed to do last week - but it took me a good half hour to psych myself up to go out there again, in the pitch darkness.  Would they (or someone else) be out there?  What if this car didn't stop following me?  Luckily, I had a great run, although I only made 11 miles instead of 13. 

My sugars have been great!  I started this morning at 216, ate a tablespoon of peanut butter and turned my basal down to .05 units per hour.  By 6 miles, I was at 162.  I ate 3 orange glucose tabs and finished at 178.  I bolused 2.0 units and had a choco-nana smoothie - delicious!  I'm doing Colourful Palate's 30 day smoothie challenge and am loving it. My blood sugars have run much lower during the day instead of having an early high spike and then taking hours to bolus down.  It's been really, really awesome!

I'm sorry this blog is out-of-sorts, all over the place.  I am still a little flabbergasted by my recent encounter with bullying.  I am also all out of sorts in terms of my self-esteem.  Thursday was a haze of me bullying myself.  Friday and Saturday, I did my best to be kind to me but the scale went up another 2 pounds and I had a few bouts of tears.  It's hard.  I will try to write a full blog explaining more about why I feel so negatively about weight and all the ways I got there.  Shockingly, it involves 2 health care "professionals" and a group of drunk frat guys on the beach. 

For now, I'll leave you with two small promises: I'll blog more consistently about marathon training with diabetes and I'll share my body image problems with you.  Lucky you.